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Grief Touches All Levels

Cheryl Bentley/SUNCOAST NEWS

COUNSELOR for The Hospice of the Florida Suncoast Sherry E. Showalter, left, worked privately for a few sessions with Sally Lindberg to resolve Lindberg’s grief over the death of her son after Lindberg’s support group ended.

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By Cheryl  Bentley | The Suncoast News

Published: November 30, 2007

On a rainy night in a cemetery in New York, 25 years after he died in childbirth, Sally Lindberg said goodbye to her son John Paul.

She read letters to him telling him about his family and placed a crystal on his grave.

That was the first time in which Lindberg began to acknowledge her grief over the death of her son.

It would take her 12 more years to come to terms with it because even after the cemetery ceremony, she did not allow herself to fully own her sorrow.

Grief, whether it remains mostly unexpressed, as did Lindberg's, or is recognized through talk and emotional release, is a profound human experience that touches all levels, says Sandi Sunter, director of community programs at The Hospice of the Florida Suncoast in Palm Harbor. "It's a spiritual process, that yearning and questioning," she says.

"It's emotional," she adds, noting it can range from profound sadness to irritability.

Also physical

It can also be physical, with people "eating or sleeping not enough or too much."

According to Hernando Pasco Hospice's Program Specialist in Bereavement and Spiritual Care Tom Beason, when allowed to run its course, grief can be also transformative.

"It's always true in the midst of suffering, there's a lot of joy. Joy and suffering are twins."

Dealing with bereavement is a large part of the work of both the Florida Suncoast in Pinellas County and Hernando Pasco Hospice in Pasco County.

For either no or sliding scale fees, both organizations provide support groups and counselors for survivors of hospice patients and community members who are in grief.

Many clients start with a few private sessions and then move on to support groups. Members of groups frequently remain close long after the group has ended.

Draw on own strength

They often draw strength from themselves they never knew they had, says Sherry E. Showalter, counselor with the Florida Suncoast.

"People who came in feeling broken left being able to fly with their broken wing," she says of members of one of her recent support groups.

At Hernando Pasco Hospice, about a fourth of survivors of hospice patients accept some form of bereavement counseling, says Beason.

The location of the sessions is up to the client. "We'll come to their home or meet in the office. Whatever is comfortable for them," Beason notes.

Counseling gives clients permission to air their feelings of grief, says Hernando Pasco grief counselor Sarissa McClure.

"Grief is a soul-wrenching inner wailing that the person loses themselves in," she says.

She is "privileged and honored" to share with clients their deep, painful journeys, McClure says.

Don't understand grief

American culture is not understanding of grief, McClure notes. "It says get over it and get on with it."

Grief counseling does exactly the opposite of that. "It's about empowering the person to give themselves permission to grieve and be patient with their process," McClure notes.

Grieving can culminate in a kind of renewal of life, she says. "Someone has to make a choice to live again and survive their loss."

That takes courage, and McClure has found her clients up to it. She has seen some decide to start a second chapter in their lives after having lived the first one with a loved one for sometimes as long as half a century. "People who find purpose and meaning find life again."

Women seem to have an easier time of both expressing grief and accepting counseling than men, says McClure.

"Men are trained to keep their pain private," she notes. "They really feel pressure from the support system to be over it."

Understanding feelings

Groups and counseling are often the only means for grievers to find understanding about their feelings, says Florida Suncoast's Sandi Sunter.

Friends and relatives often become impatient when grieving lasts for more than a short time, she says. "People think it goes away just like that."

For Sally Lindberg, it lasted far beyond that rainy night in the cemetery when she read the letters to her deceased son.

It took attending a grief support group in 2007 at the Hospice of the Florida Suncoast in Palm Harbor when her cousin David died to face fully her feelings about her son.

In grieving for David, Lindberg saw with the help of grief counselor and group leader Sherry E. Showalter she had never given herself permission to grieve fully for her son.

"It was the unspoken subject in our home," she says of his death.

Needed more work

She always considered others' feelings more important than her own, Lindberg says. Showalter recognized Lindberg needed more work to come to terms with her own 37-year-old feelings of loss.

She did not push Lindberg but at the end of the group, reminded her she was available for private sessions.

It took only a few of those for Lindberg finally to feel she had come to terms with her 37-year-old grief.

As they sit in Lindberg's cozy office filled with cards and gifts from clients, with American Indian flute music playing in the background, the warmth between the two women is almost palpable.

"I don't know I was ever in touch with where I was," Lindberg reflects about her long-buried feelings about John Paul's death. "I didn't know I was in the dark until I was in the light."

Now can move one

Now, she can emotionally move on with her life, she notes.

That, says Showalter, is what happens when people allow grief into their lives, however uncomfortable the experience.

"I often tell those I am honored to work with, 'Who you are is not who you've been, and you can't go back there again,'" Showalter writes in an e-mail.

"You become different, and part of the grief work is learning to reinvest in life differently than ever before while knowing that you are never really alone. Your loved one's memory and energy will always be with you."

Both hospices offer private and group counseling for a range of bereavement needs for adults and children. Call the Florida Suncoast at 727-586-4432 or Hernando Pasco at 800-486-8784.

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